The Getty Villa

The Getty Villa was amazing. I wish I could live there. Peaceful. Quiet. Relaxing. Like I didn't have a care in the world.

The art was amazing. The statues and pottery. Definitely want to go back.

Conversion

In the art of being an artist, I have decided that I will slowly begin converting my blog into a phlog (photo blog). It'll be interesting, but it'll force me to take more photographs and express my creativity more. I will still have regular blogs and what not in here, but I want to try to do more photos.

Isolated:Emotions:Lost

a blog to just relieve the chest...

Lately I haven't been able to sleep. Well I have been sleeping in that I shut my eyes, drift off and wake up to my alarm, but it isn't a good sleep. It is restful. It is like I am only half asleep, and half awake. Thus I have been really slacking in the sleep department lately. It is however making me feel like crap, but I think I'm getting used to it.

So, what's new, you may ask?

Absolutely,
Positively,
Nothing
and
yet
somethings have changed.

Time and time and time again, I have a way of pushing people away. High school I pushed my best friend away. I didn't let her close to me, didn't tell her everything that would bother me, didn't try. Eventually I thought I would get a fresh start in college. Meet new people, have new friends, and a new me. First year, I guess it was established that I was a (and I really do quote) "good girl" which isn't false. I am. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't party. Hell, I don't even date at this point. That was who I was, and who I am. It is something I respect about myself. I have high morals to say the least. But I still had people issues. 2 guys showed interest in getting to know me, and one after another I pushed them away. The friends that I get exceptionally close to, I decide to distance myself from. I building this wall around me so that no one (and I really mean NO ONE) could really... hurt me, I guess. No that's not true. It's not that I don't want people to hurt me, but... I think I don't want to hurt myself. I don't mean hurt in the traditional sense, either physical and not really emotionally. But sort of emotionally...?

So what do I mean by hurt?

I think one of the biggest faults about me is my criticism of other people and of myself. If you know me, I don't have a high tolerance for people... generally at least. I get tired of people very quickly. In general, I am just not much of a people person. Once I find a fault, I narrow in on that fault every time I hang out with them, or even think of them, and it drives me insane (both the fault I find in the person and the fact that I do such a thing as judge in that way), but it gets to the point where I can't stand the person and I don't want to hang out with them, at least not for a while. Secondly, the criticism of myself... I generally tend to... well... hate myself. yada yada "hate is a strong word" B.S. I do. Every so often at least. It is just when I do things that I think other people will fine funny... that will think wrong of me the way I do of people... I regret. I will think about it for days, weeks, sometimes months... Sometimes I remember for years. These thoughts torment me. They drive me insane... more than anything. I put myself down over and over again because of them, and so many times I have tried to change. Tried to become a better person. A different person...

And now...

I think I've pushed so many people, so far away, for so long... that I've forgotten. A week ago or so my friend asked you "are you happy?" And I didn't know how to respond. I wasn't... nor had I been in a while. How can one go so long without being happy?

I remember I used to always be the girl with the smile on her face. I was the one in songs where they talk about always hiding your feelings and wearing a mask to shield yourself. That was me. Rather... that is me. I don't tell people how I feel. I hide the things that bother me most from the rest of the world. On the outside I smile, I laugh. I have a good time... on the outside

I am not saying I'm emotionless either. I know I feel emotions, and have them. I just think that they are buried so deep that I don't feel right now. I can't remember the last time I really let out a good cry, or laughed until I couldn't breathe. I guess that scares me a bit.

I don't want to be like this. I know people who have known me, know that I have always thought of myself as independent. I used to say that I wouldn't mind being alone. Maybe... I didn't know how lonely alone was. How can you not? right? I don't know. I do like the fact that I am independent. You can almost say I'm proud of it, and I am fully aware that pride is the worse of the deadly sins, but I know I never wanted to be one of those people who had to rely on someone else. I really believe sometimes that there is no one in this world that I can rely on more than myself. Is that the root of all my current agony?

I thought that after Boston I would figure things out. I would mature a bit. The only thing I've managed to accomplish is study a little bit harder and push people even further. I don't know. I'm so lost right now. Confused.

I guess, my hope in writing this is to forgive anyone who might be affected by my attitude lately. I don't know when things will change. I don't know what to do...

Philippians 2:14-15

Mother's Day

So this was my Mother's Day Gift:
http://www.valchin.com/Videos/MothersDay.html

Kinda ghetto, but at least I did it. Singing is terrible. Oh Wells!

<3

I just don't care anymore.

I'd put myself first
and make the rules as I go...

Lost in Imagination

I finished writing a essay on the similarities and differences between Surrealism and Realism at 2AM this morning, slept for a few hours a woke up to go to class but decided to stay home instead. Frankly I wish I had stayed in, or had gone back to, bed, but I didn't.

In any case, Surrealism - an idea that is directly related to the dream state of a person. It is believed that the your dreams allow you to release the emotions that you hide in your subconscious, and thus your dreams are also a way to expand your imagination, freeing it from its "slavery" from the real world.

In a way, the ideals are true, and I understand them. I don't feel them right now though. Possibly because I haven't really been able to remember my dreams lately. It has been a while since I have remembered a dreamed. It is curious because my friend asked me the other day if I had been happy, and I honestly don't remember. I don't remember that last time I actually felt happy. So no dreams, and I'm not happy... so what, right?

I don't know. Lately, I haven't felt any emotion really. Well I have been frustrated, and I could say scared as well, but I think those were the last feelings I rememer feeling, and that was a little more than a week ago. Should I be worried at all? I really don't know.

But back to Surrealism, imagination and dreams...

Well. no. I just just imaginations, and maybe dreams. Day dreams. I have spent most of my weekend this week either writing essays or reading comic books. Losing myself in comics books. I have read probably over 200 comic books this weekend, which if probably terrible. An ultimate way to procrastinate.

~~ incomplete blog entry