Jazz

There's something about Jazz music that just seems calming right now. It is only one of those things that I can really listen to in my apartment though, with speakers. It wouldn't be the same if I listened to it with earphones on the way to class. When I listen to Jazz though, it is like there is story being played out, and you just get lost in that story. In pop music, while there is "technically" a story in the lyrics, it just isn't that same. In pop music you are told the story, and there really is no creativity involved. In Jazz though, it is almost like you feel emotions with each note played. Anyhooooo...

I am really just relaxing right now. That is really what I have been doing all week, but I am in for a long weekend. I have an Essay due on Tuesday, reading and a message board post due on Monday, and a Doctor's appointment that I am not really looking forward to on Friday. But at least on Sunday I have church. That'll lift my spirits hopefully.

I haven't been feeling to great lately. Stomach hurts every once and a while. As does my head. Been way sleepier than I should be. Like I just can't get enough sleep. Like...ever. I haven't worked out in what seems like ages, which really sucks too. Arg, why am I complaining... blah. Life could be worse.

Well tomorrow is pretty much my hell day, so I should be getting to bed soon.

Being 21

Spring Break in Boston was an amazing time. It was not only just a fun experience, but it was also eye-opening for me to see who it was I want to be. I think I've been on the search to figure out who I want to be for a long time, and somehow after coming back from Boston I just figured it out.

What opened my eyes? I don't really know. It could have been the old atmosphere of Boston, a city seemingly rich with history, or it could have been living with my brother for a good 4 days, going through what he goes through, seeing the elite colleges that New England has to offer... or maybe it was going to the convention, doing what I wanted to do, learning what was relevant to me, and what I wanted.

On my trip, I didn't have to deal with friends, or work, or anything that I didn't want to. It was just me.

That is who I want to be. Me.

I came back to Irvine with new sights. I was serious, concentrated, and knew what I had to do... rather what I wanted to do.

I started to work out again. Realizing that I need to be a healthier person, I went running, biking, swimming... Whatever I could. I need to lose what extra weight I've gained since High School, hell... even during High School. I want to be healthy. fit. hell, I want to be skinnier, and without knee problems.

Gaining on the health aspect, I wanted to have a normal sleeping pattern. No more staying up to odd hours of the night just to be tired the next day during class. I wanted to be awake during class. So I've started sleeping early, waking up earlier. Eating 2 meals, sometimes 3 meals, a day.. Watching what I eat, how much I eat, how many calories I intake. Staying away from Caffine, Junk food, Soda... Drinking more water, and juice, eating salads... Starting to stay away from red meat... eating bananas before I run...

While these may seem like minuscule things, they aren't. It makes me feel better about myself. Like I am being a better person.

I started being more serious about school work. Reading on time, doing my work, trying to pay attention and take notes. I started off strong, but I have been slacking a bit lately.

I think I worry though about letting people in right now though because I feel as though that I am going through a personal stage of change, and to let people into my life right now would really hinder what I've done, and what changes what I've made. I feel that they wouldn't understand. I have found that society has influenced people to be resistant to change and that really annoys me. Right now, I feel though if people start influencing my life, I'll end up reverting back to who I was, and of all things I have learned, I learned that there are many things I hate about myself, things that I want to change.

As for other things, other than just health consciousness and academic studiousness, I think I've grown religiously a little bit. I don't know how considering my trip to Boston had nothing religious about it (unless you consider it a pilgrimage to photoshop conventions, hah!). I think I've realized though that I do want to be a better person, and part of that is because of God. Oh! Maybe it is because Easter was right after I turned 21... that could be where my new found dedication is coming from! Anyways, I feel like I should care more, love more, be more than I am, for Him. I know I joke around alot, about how I'm going to go to hell because of all the things I do... but I think I've come to realize that sometimes... that isn't a funny thing to joke about... I am not one of those overly religious people though. And I am NOT going to be an evangelist (no way no way!). I just think I should try to focus a little more on God and the Bible. Become more intuned with my faith.

I guess all in all, I just want to become myself, who I was intended to be, who I want to be. I want room to grow beyond what I am now. To grow into a better person. To grow to live a fuller life. Just... grow...

Day Dreaming - Horoscope

"A little breathing room sounds like a good idea now, and luckily today may offer you some. The problem is that your solace may not come from the real world; it probably arrives in the form of fantasy. You are given an escape route into a world of daydreams. There's nothing wrong with taking a journey inward as long as you still show up to meet your responsibilities, too."

Normally my horoscopes are semi-accurate, but rarely do I get horoscopes that are.. almost dead-on.

A little breathing room did sound good today... or rather this morning at 9:30AM while I was sitting in class waiting for a 30-minutes-late-Philip to show up for class. He got there eventually... but anyways, waiting is beside the point. It is the breathing room that was important. "In the form of fantasy," it says... now, I keep it to myself, but I have a very vivid imagination. Probably why I have many annoyingly-disturbing dreams.

Anyways... After class, ate lunch with Philip, then hung out in the student center "studying" for about an hour and a half, went to class, dinner, and then to work. Everything was going fairly well. I don't know when exactly my mindset changed. Sometime after work but before I got home.

I guess alot of what I have been feeling is just a needing to belong somewhere, or maybe with someone? I don't know. That sounds corny, and needy, and the last thing I want to sound is needy, but I guess I am a little bit on the lonelier side these days.

Pushing people away
So, I kind of always had this feeling that I just choose not to get close to anyone in particular, and when I start to, I distance myself from them... by like... ALOT.

Now... I just seem to be... just me. Wondering where all the people have gone from in my life. Why is it that I am so alone? I ran away from any potential guys my first year, and all the guys I've since liked are otherwise preoccupied with other things. Things are just frustrating right now. Especially since I haven't been able to get the right amount of sleep that I've wanted to get. I keep staying up, tossing and turning. Maybe that is because of my new diet... I don't know. So many different factors. Classes, diet, people, neighbors, food, stress, no stress, etc. haha I mean, everything is just a little crazy. I don't know. I guess I'll figure things out eventually. Whatever happens, happens; and it'll happen for a reason, ya?