Being 21

Spring Break in Boston was an amazing time. It was not only just a fun experience, but it was also eye-opening for me to see who it was I want to be. I think I've been on the search to figure out who I want to be for a long time, and somehow after coming back from Boston I just figured it out.

What opened my eyes? I don't really know. It could have been the old atmosphere of Boston, a city seemingly rich with history, or it could have been living with my brother for a good 4 days, going through what he goes through, seeing the elite colleges that New England has to offer... or maybe it was going to the convention, doing what I wanted to do, learning what was relevant to me, and what I wanted.

On my trip, I didn't have to deal with friends, or work, or anything that I didn't want to. It was just me.

That is who I want to be. Me.

I came back to Irvine with new sights. I was serious, concentrated, and knew what I had to do... rather what I wanted to do.

I started to work out again. Realizing that I need to be a healthier person, I went running, biking, swimming... Whatever I could. I need to lose what extra weight I've gained since High School, hell... even during High School. I want to be healthy. fit. hell, I want to be skinnier, and without knee problems.

Gaining on the health aspect, I wanted to have a normal sleeping pattern. No more staying up to odd hours of the night just to be tired the next day during class. I wanted to be awake during class. So I've started sleeping early, waking up earlier. Eating 2 meals, sometimes 3 meals, a day.. Watching what I eat, how much I eat, how many calories I intake. Staying away from Caffine, Junk food, Soda... Drinking more water, and juice, eating salads... Starting to stay away from red meat... eating bananas before I run...

While these may seem like minuscule things, they aren't. It makes me feel better about myself. Like I am being a better person.

I started being more serious about school work. Reading on time, doing my work, trying to pay attention and take notes. I started off strong, but I have been slacking a bit lately.

I think I worry though about letting people in right now though because I feel as though that I am going through a personal stage of change, and to let people into my life right now would really hinder what I've done, and what changes what I've made. I feel that they wouldn't understand. I have found that society has influenced people to be resistant to change and that really annoys me. Right now, I feel though if people start influencing my life, I'll end up reverting back to who I was, and of all things I have learned, I learned that there are many things I hate about myself, things that I want to change.

As for other things, other than just health consciousness and academic studiousness, I think I've grown religiously a little bit. I don't know how considering my trip to Boston had nothing religious about it (unless you consider it a pilgrimage to photoshop conventions, hah!). I think I've realized though that I do want to be a better person, and part of that is because of God. Oh! Maybe it is because Easter was right after I turned 21... that could be where my new found dedication is coming from! Anyways, I feel like I should care more, love more, be more than I am, for Him. I know I joke around alot, about how I'm going to go to hell because of all the things I do... but I think I've come to realize that sometimes... that isn't a funny thing to joke about... I am not one of those overly religious people though. And I am NOT going to be an evangelist (no way no way!). I just think I should try to focus a little more on God and the Bible. Become more intuned with my faith.

I guess all in all, I just want to become myself, who I was intended to be, who I want to be. I want room to grow beyond what I am now. To grow into a better person. To grow to live a fuller life. Just... grow...