"Me" day.

So, for a while I have wanted to take a "me day" as I like to call them. A day where I spend the day principally with no one, it is kind of like a day to be emo. For some reason I woke up this morning and decided today would be that day. It is not a decision that you plan in advance... it is kind of one of those decisions where you decide "F*ck it, I'm not going to class" and decide to sleep in for another 2 hours, only to realize, you are still exhausted when you wake up. Well that was principally my day.

I guess I spent most of my day (other than reading comic books and eating) on contemplating who I am (or something along those lines), comparing who I am now, and who I was, what has changed, why I've changed, and if I care or not. I think I do this quite often (like… once a month I take one of these days) but I think it might help if I write out what was "achieved" from today.

It started off as one of those lazy days, where you just want to lay in bed all day, and stay in your PJs, not doing anything. I know the irony in the fact that I picked Valentine's Day to be the one day I decide to isolate myself from the rest of the world, but I tend to treat holiday's the same way I would any holiday (except Christmas).
Somehow I started to think about how things used to be in High School, and with my friends back then. Wow, was I ready to graduate from High School. I wanted to get away so badly. It wasn't even that I didn't like my friends, I mean after all they are "friends," but I don't think I would necessarily call them good friends. Ronald, Roger, Eric, and Kin were always off doing their own things, I never talked much with the guys. Barbie was always the super religious type, and then later there was Michelle who decided to join in the religious ways. All that was left was Tiffany, Jessica, and Me. Tiff and I, at the time, were the only non-religious ones... granted I had grown up partly in a Christian school when I was younger. Jessica was someone who I really could just relate to, since we'd known each other since 1st grade. Our group was pretty much split like this. I was happy with it 1st year... it was nice to have the group of us which we later called ourselves the "NERDS" which we still use as our nickname.

But after first year I guess is when I really started to hate hanging out with them... after Michelle decided to be religious-righteous all the time. When they would always talk about what was going on at church, or talked about religious stuff, I would walk away... honestly... I don't think they ever noticed. Maybe I am being stubborn, but I still feel right to hate what they used to do... knowing that I was uncomfortable with the things they used to do. When Michelle finally got baptized, I was the only one who didn't go... some "best friend" huh? I don't regret that either though. Rather when I think about it, I still get frustrated. Maybe part of me felt abandoned. I'm not entirely sure. I can't wrap my head around it yet still, but I remember reading the letters she used to write to me so clearly. During and even before her conversion to God, she used to write that "if our friendship didn't work out, that she would turn to God," and ... well... nice way to be optimistic Michelle. Maybe I just have abandonment issues, given that my parents are divorced and all (but it all honesty I don’t think that really affected me that much since I was only 2 when they split).

I don't know what bothers me though. I think I've always had a wall around me. One that doesn't allow people to get too close (and I think every time I take one of these "me days" that wall grows taller and with more foundation). I always thought I would be this independent person that would never get lonely, because as long as I had myself and my dreams I could make it. I guess I don't know if I believe that any more, but I know I want to. I was always the kid who kept things bottled up until I exploded because I didn't think people needed to know my problems, nor did I want their help. I guess, in my mind asking for help is like saying "I'm too weak to do it myself" type of thing. Plus why push your burdens onto other people, when they probably have their own problems anyways? I know it's not true, but I just have issues relying on other people I guess. Even now, that wall continues to stand strong, resilient, never breaking, never letting people know some of my “darkest” secrets (not really dark, but I have a creative imagination so pretend they are just … dark…). I used to believe that every morning I would put on a mask that hid the real me… it was a mask that made me be nicer to everyone, and to not show my real emotions… but I know that after college, this mask has started to break. I simply just don’t care anymore what people think of me. I am who I am, and sometimes I am fucked up person. Deal with it. Though, I guess when I reflect back on it, part of me is scared. I am scared to take the mask completely off, because what if I hate who I truly am… and if I put the mask back on completely people won’t know me for me… I would be miserable. But having this mask partially on, partially off if making me so confused. So annoying.

Arg, everything that I was thinking about today is starting to slip away but I know there was so much more I wanted to write about. HAHA, I sound like one of those delusional old guys in movies who are writing their final journal entry because something is coming to kill them. Man…

I guess there are only two friends that I actually care about. I am pretty sure the rest wouldn’t notice if I never spoke to them again, save one but I don’t really care if I ever speak to her again.

How is it at the age of 20, almost 21, I have so many things in my life that I regret. I still believe that I am young, and I plan to live a while despite what God may have in store for me. I do believe that I make my own choices, that destiny’s can be changed, and I hope I change mine so that I don’t regret anymore. I guess that is why I go with the policy of Doing what I want to do, even if people expect me to do otherwise. Why should I sacrifice my happiness for other people’s expectations? Not cool, not cool.

I am still pretty lost in my thoughts as I write this. I don’t know what point I am trying to get across. I don’t even know if there is a point. Somehow I feel like I should just be breaking down in frustration while I write this, but something is keeping me from doing that. It’s like my brain is scrambled and it doesn’t know what it should do, and what it wants to do. Bah, life fails.

I think I want to draw myself into a comic though. That is what really got me into reading comic books in the first place this year… the artwork. Now it has become a hobby cause I like the stories, but the artwork of comics, I wish I could mimic it. Especially Michael Turner’s or Ed Bene’s art. Man… one day. I’ll will draw myself in a comic, and it’d be like a perfect world. A world where I could just draw and write whatever I wanted, and I wouldn’t have to freaking care what people think, because it would displace Fantasy from Reality. I’d be my world. Oh me and my dreams.

Maybe my belief on independence is so far gone… as long as I have me and my dreams… haha, actually I will probably become a psychopath and end up doing more harm than good to myself.

Even after taking this “me day” though, and all the other “me days” I don’t think I’ve accomplished anything. Sure I guess it is nice to take a day off every once and a while, and concentrate on myself, but what got done today? My kitchen smells like cooked oil which is making me a little nauseous. I’ve read 62 comic books today. And I almost managed to stay in my PJs for the whole day, except I ran out to get more toothpaste. I’m not any different than who I was when I woke up. It fact I am probably a little bit more confused. Oh well. It was nice I guess… to do pretty much nothing but look at comic book art.

~ Happy Me Day.